In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
