It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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