if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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