My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Jerry, you need to find god
Soap is not a condiment
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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