I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
