so explain again why im purple
no
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
