it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
