Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
