cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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