I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
