i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
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