How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I puked a lego.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
