Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
