Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
