my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
