I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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