id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
