I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
