he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
