I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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