I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
