My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
