he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
