when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
