i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
