Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Please don't give away my fajitas
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
