i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
