She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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