The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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