Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
