ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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