I have demons in me.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
