Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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