I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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