My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
