is your mom at the bar?
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
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