I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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