Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
