hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
