sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
