The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
