I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
