Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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