do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
