it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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