I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
