get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
