I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
