you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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