Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
