So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
