Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
